Yesterday Was Awesome, But Today I Want To Quit

19 Oct

Yesterday was great! You can tell by the photos above we had a great time, and Mandi did something new. I am stoked. But today I woke up and felt like I wanted to give up. Quit. Not do this race. Here is why: 1. I am tired: I am tired of being on point. I am tired of getting up before the rest of the world to fit workouts in. I am tired of trying to be perfect with my training. 2. I feel like it’s doing more harm than good: My family is over it. It’s causing so much tension that I would rather quit and save the drama. Though it is definitely a family commitment with all the time taken away from being home, I am the only one who cares. If you really think about it. This journey is all about the athlete. You conquer these goals and fears and build strength and confidence, but it doesn’t matter.. cuz everything else in your life is off. And no one gets it. Noone understands why. And they shouldn’t. But it still sucks. And makes you want to just quit. 3. My swim was terrible: I had a sprint yesterday. A half mile swim. my IronMan is 2.5 miles. But in this swim… which I was relaxed (so I thought) now has me second guessing myself. I couldn’t get my heart rate down at all. What the heck. It was a small, women’s only race. It was fun, and chill, but I still sucked. I am annoyed and back to being fearful of this swim. 4. I am sad: My friend Becca went back to France, my friend Erin lives in SD, and my friend Shannon has a different life now with 3 kids. And me.. the 3 people I really want to see every day (which is really selfish, I know) I can’t. I am happy to have them as friends, and really I couldn’t even do what I do without their support… but it just makes me sad. I keep thinking maybe instead of training on a weekend I could be traveling to visit, or planning a girls trip, or something. Guys don’t get a girl’s need for girlfriends. They never will… but right now.. I just wish I had a fire pit, a bottle of wine, and my girls. Feeling like I really need that at this time. 5. I don’t want to stop: Not that I want to do another IM, but I don’t want to stop competing. It took me a while to really think this one out. Why do I have the drive to race? What keeps me going? And really.. it’s my nature. From a young age, I was always competing. In elementary school, you want to make “A” team not “B” team. In junior high, you want to make the high school team. Once in HS, you want to make varsity. Senior year you hope to play in college. In college… then what? Pro? Play abroad? Well, for me.. it’s competing. Finding that edge and pushing yourself. Whether it’s a 10K or a sprint triathlon, I want to compete. For 30 years I have been trained to do that. To be better, to do better, to have a goal. My family hopes I slow down or stop after this. But why? It’s healthy and fun. I don’t need to do another big race, but I would love to race and not feel guilty, but that just doesn’t happen. And that.. is why I just want to quit. To stop hearing all the nagging and how not to do what I want. I am over it. If you don’t like it. Suck it. That’s really what I want to say.

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