Last night I read my athlete’s guide. Took notes on questions I had for my coach. I, like a nerd, highlighted what I thought was important or what I needed to know. I made copies of the course for my support crew. I made piles of what stuff I need to bring out. I have notes ready to bring my coach about all my bags. I set aside my car paint. Yes, car paint. You bet I am making this nothing short of fun and amazing. Decorating the car before we head out. Just like you do for kids baseball tournaments. I have a checklist running of things I still need to get. One of which is a headband to put in my special needs bag. In case it gets cold, I want something I can cover my ears with. Anyways… this is my rant, but 2 weeks from today, we will drive straight in to Tempe where I will pick up my bags. Saturday we will return, and drop off my bike and bags, and I will hop in the lake for a quick swim. Next week is my last full work week before race week. So crazy. I never thought it would be here. I have been training for MONTHS. Since beginning of the year. My friends and family have dealt with nothing but IM talk. I am sure they will be happy when this is over. I will be too. For now… prayers please. 2 weeks to stay healthy and injury free!
Big shout out to @Merchant for your continued support. You have graciously helped sponsor me and encourage me in my hardest times. You rock and I am stoked you get to see the end result. And hopefully we are all still awake for an after party! Here is a shameless plug to the FaceBook page as well. I will always support you! Thanks a million! Can’t wait for this day to come!
I am tired. This picture on the trainer was taken around 4am. I got up at 3:20am to get on trainer by 3:40am. Only to get to yoga at 5:45am. It’s hard, but if you want to see your family and work, and live.. .a little… you have to do early mornings. But I am about done. Starting to feel beat and super tired. My race numbers came too. Makes me excited, nervous, fearful, happy, and so much more. It’s so close. I leave in 2 weeks to head out to Arizona. WOW! I don’t know what I will do. How I will be. What if I just start balling when I get to Ironman Village? Ugh.. all these emotions. It’s unreal. I know it’s all I talk about. I am sorry. But it seriously consumes your life.
Work hard play hard. Something I truly believe in. I finally let go of rigid early morning training and got up and got dirty. I knew I had to run 9-10 miles, but didn’t care when. I have been really good with morning and afternoon workouts, but family first. I deserve a break and so do my boys. We woke up and made breakfast. Ate it on the balcony, then headed to the beach. It had been a while since we went to play. It was nice. I wish the lifeguard didn’t drive towards us (no dogs on this beach), but we got some good runs in chasing seagulls! I also got to take care of myself. Got my hair did. I can’t have those grey hairs when I cross the finish! Anyways.. I got my run in before dinner. Nice to actually simulate what it will be like on race day. I will start in the sun and finish in the dark. Gets ya thinking! T minus 19 days!
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” – Philippians 4:13 I am not preaching to you all, but keeping this verse in mind this week. I was challenged last week with the death of a family member. He was only 22 and took his own life. Sadly, this happens to be the third suicide in my family. Selfishly, I am like “WTF! I don’t need this 3 weeks before Ironmna!”… but then I woke up a bit. This only fueled my desire to work. This gave me the o-kay feeling to be OK with just finishing. Yes.. I would love a great time. But I am happy to take this challenge. I am happy for my health, and happy that this, though insane to complete, keeps me sane. Some people are not fortunate to have an outlet like I do… in running, or fitness, or yoga. I wasn’t close to this cousin, but he is still blood. My heart hurts for my uncle who has to deal with this. And I pray my family can keep it together. It is hard enough to deal with one, but three!? That’s just awful. So… needless to say I have lacked some focus, but really my priority is my family… and that’s ok. I know I will finish. It may not be pretty… But I am gonna do it. I have my family, my friends, and God behind me. Tell your family you love them. Tell your friends too. Talk about mental illness, depression, suicide. It’s real. Tell people how you feel. I bet you a million bucks you are not alone if you feel sad some days.
Yesterday was great! You can tell by the photos above we had a great time, and Mandi did something new. I am stoked. But today I woke up and felt like I wanted to give up. Quit. Not do this race. Here is why: 1. I am tired: I am tired of being on point. I am tired of getting up before the rest of the world to fit workouts in. I am tired of trying to be perfect with my training. 2. I feel like it’s doing more harm than good: My family is over it. It’s causing so much tension that I would rather quit and save the drama. Though it is definitely a family commitment with all the time taken away from being home, I am the only one who cares. If you really think about it. This journey is all about the athlete. You conquer these goals and fears and build strength and confidence, but it doesn’t matter.. cuz everything else in your life is off. And no one gets it. Noone understands why. And they shouldn’t. But it still sucks. And makes you want to just quit. 3. My swim was terrible: I had a sprint yesterday. A half mile swim. my IronMan is 2.5 miles. But in this swim… which I was relaxed (so I thought) now has me second guessing myself. I couldn’t get my heart rate down at all. What the heck. It was a small, women’s only race. It was fun, and chill, but I still sucked. I am annoyed and back to being fearful of this swim. 4. I am sad: My friend Becca went back to France, my friend Erin lives in SD, and my friend Shannon has a different life now with 3 kids. And me.. the 3 people I really want to see every day (which is really selfish, I know) I can’t. I am happy to have them as friends, and really I couldn’t even do what I do without their support… but it just makes me sad. I keep thinking maybe instead of training on a weekend I could be traveling to visit, or planning a girls trip, or something. Guys don’t get a girl’s need for girlfriends. They never will… but right now.. I just wish I had a fire pit, a bottle of wine, and my girls. Feeling like I really need that at this time. 5. I don’t want to stop: Not that I want to do another IM, but I don’t want to stop competing. It took me a while to really think this one out. Why do I have the drive to race? What keeps me going? And really.. it’s my nature. From a young age, I was always competing. In elementary school, you want to make “A” team not “B” team. In junior high, you want to make the high school team. Once in HS, you want to make varsity. Senior year you hope to play in college. In college… then what? Pro? Play abroad? Well, for me.. it’s competing. Finding that edge and pushing yourself. Whether it’s a 10K or a sprint triathlon, I want to compete. For 30 years I have been trained to do that. To be better, to do better, to have a goal. My family hopes I slow down or stop after this. But why? It’s healthy and fun. I don’t need to do another big race, but I would love to race and not feel guilty, but that just doesn’t happen. And that.. is why I just want to quit. To stop hearing all the nagging and how not to do what I want. I am over it. If you don’t like it. Suck it. That’s really what I want to say.
I am at a loss for words. 4 weeks from today, I will be in Tempe, Arizona picking up my number, bags, and race goodies for IronMan Arizona. This journey is still not over, and I have learned so much. It has been full of tears, sweat, smiles, anger, tiredness, and much more. This journey has not proven my strength physically, but mentally. I am not out there killing and crushing every workout with gnarly intensity, but I am the most consistent I have ever been. I prep myself each week for what is coming. I try and nourish my body properly. Get sleep. ANd conquer the day. It’s proven challenging at times. I woke up at 3:30am on a Tuesday a few weeks back so I could be on my trainer by 3:45am, so that I could make yoga at 5:45am, all so I could have family dinner after work. The things I thought I would never be able to do or get out of bed for, I have. Your mind just says “GO!” I would say a lot of it is out of fear. If I miss, will I get worse? Lose strength? It is such a big race, I would never get over getting DQ’d or missing a cut off time. I am so scared of that happening. So I am pushing thru these next 4 weeks. I have a few more big workouts. THAT IS IT! I promised myself I would have fun on race day. I will listen to my body and be thankful for the support I have going. #1419 is my number and I will wear it proud. Never in a million years would I have imagined this race, this journey, or the out pour of support. I have made new friends along the way and so thankful for that too. Still, the 2 biggest fans of all, Erin & Becca, to whom I owe a lot of my mental strength to. They have encouraged me from day one. Been the voices in my ear saying “you can”. I love you and thank you. To anyone who reads this… who thinks they would never do a triathlon, or a half marathon, or a 10K. You can. I love the quote, “the only difference between the impossible and the possible is your mind”. Believe me when you read that. It’s true. And to anyone who feels like they need a supporter.. I got your back. 4 weeks baby. #1419 is doing it! XOXOXO
This morning I swam 4150. My longest swim ever. In my life. I swam consistent and steady. I didn’t panic and I didn’t need to resort to breast stroke. I actually felt relaxed. I am sorta still in shock about this. I didn’t sleep very well because I was dreading this swim. I am very happy with today’s workout. If I can be that relaxed on race day I will be happy. I wasn’t fast, but that’s ok. I felt good. I felt like I didn’t want to stop. As you can see in the photo above, it was DARK this morning when we started. But we had the most beautiful sunrise ever today. The sky was painted pinks and oranges and light blues. I kept seeing it every other breath and thinking to myself.. I am lucky. I am lucky to live where I live. I am lucky to have the means to swim when I want. I am lucky to be doing what I am doing with my friend in the lane next to me. I don’t mean to get all mushy, but when you swim or workout or do anything by yourself all the time or for that long, you start to think about a lot. I do this often. Sometimes I am hard on myself, sometimes I am mad, but today was just really good.